The following is an overview of my experience with gender disappointment and postpartum depression with my last baby to increase awareness of these mental health issues and my process for coping with them.
After my firstborn, Landon, I decided, my choice willing, I would only go through one more pregnancy, with the full hope and expectation that our second child would be a girl. Her name would be Eden Saoirse. Jonathan and I agreed since I chose Landon’s name, he would get to choose the middle name of our firstborn and then the first name of our second born. He chose Eden and it “grew” on me more during the time between our first and second pregnancy especially as my love for nature and gardening developed with our pursuit of homesteading and, of course, loving the Biblical reference associated with it. I had chosen Saoirse (pronounced Say-ur-shuh) as a connection to my heritage and love for Ireland. It’s an Irish Gaelic name meaning “freedom”. Interestingly, this word is inscribed on the memorial in the Garden of Remembrance, the site where the Irish Volunteers were founded in 1913, and where several leaders of the 1916 Easter Rising were held overnight before being taken to prison. (The Easter Rising/Revolution was the result of the pursuit for Irish independence from Britain). The two names ended up tying together beautifully in many Biblical and cultural ways as it read “garden of freedom”. For 2021, the year I was pregnant with our second child, I chose my word for the year as “freedom” in anticipation of her birth and representative of our homesteading pursuit.
I always knew having a boy was a possibility, but my heart never embraced it as a real option. Floral nursery inspiration filled my Pinterest board and beautiful lacy dresses were in my shopping cart. We had no backup name for a boy. Landon even said he wanted a sister. Our home and hearts were prepared for a little princess to grace us. I was devastated when the results said it was a boy. I didn’t realize at the time that this feeling can be a normal part of pregnancy and is something called gender disappointment.
Gender disappointment overwhelmed me. I no longer felt like I had a connection to the life growing inside me, no longer excited and no longer felt like this baby was my choice. I may not have lost the baby, but that news snuffed out my hopes and dreams in a blink. I didn’t physically lose a child, but I lost one emotionally. I had to figure out how to deal with the grief of not having a biological daughter and saying goodbye to the vision I had of her being a part of our lives. Simultaneously, I had to open myself up to a child I wasn’t expecting – figuring out how to bond with him when he had no identity to me.
I desperately sought out others’ experiences to understand how I should feel. I was met with insensitive and unhelpful comments like “you should be grateful you are having a baby at all”. The lack of understanding surrounding gender disappointment was very real. I was motivated to seek counseling to understand where my feelings were coming from, how to process them, and how to ensure my bond with my baby was not affected by my feelings. Counseling revealed a peripartum depression diagnosis along with a postpartum depression diagnosis that went previously undiagnosed and untreated for five years from my first pregnancy.
As part of my healing, I gave myself time to mourn and feel. There were a few realizations that helped to ease my grief. My child isn’t guaranteed to fit into gender norms. A girl could be a tomboy, hate the color pink and wearing dresses, be loud and have a ton of energy while a boy could love Disney Princess movies, crafts, be sweet and contemplative. I could end up with two amazing daughter-in-laws and granddaughters. God hand picked me to be these two boys momma and has equipped me with everything I need to fulfill that role. It also helped to look at actionable steps like other options to eventually have a daughter such as adoption and focusing on the bond with this baby boy. The first step of that was deciding on a name which Jonathan and I had not previously discussed. I wasn’t drawn to any boy names other than Landon, the one I had already chosen, and the ones that I did lean toward, Jonathan didn’t care for.
I remember having an emotional conversation with my mom and she said pray about the name and God will reveal to you what his identity for the child will be. So that’s what I did – after researching names, looking at their origins and meanings, running them by Jonathan, and lots of prayer, we chose the name Elijah Seth. I realized after that Elijah Seth shares the same initials as Eden Saoirse. Elijah and Seth are both Hebrew names with Elijah meaning “Yahweh is my God” and Seth meaning “appointed”. This name was my personal surrender to God’s plan and acknowledgement of who he is and the purpose he’s given to our sweet, second-born baby boy.
God blessed me with a bond I never imagined between me and Elijah and I couldn’t imagine not having him in our lives. He’s charmed us all with his adorable cheeky smiles and infectious giggles. Landon adores him and my bond with Landon has strengthened by Elijah’s presence.
As we head into 2022, the word “bold” keeps popping up and I feel a calling to live a more bold life. I tend to be a reserved person so part of this is to be more transparent and open, sharing how God is working in my life.
I decided I wanted to continue with another Bible study following my Advent study and the Priscilla Shirer Bible study, Elijah, has been on my heart this last year to start soon as I want to dive into Elijah’s story in more depth after having named my son Elijah. As I completed the first lesson this morning, I counted five times where the word “bold” or “boldness” had been used – in fact, boldness was a main theme in Elijah’s life and a lot of the other themes also seem to be tying into messages I’ve received lately. Unknowingly, this year’s word also has to do with my baby.
There’s no doubt that God handpicked Elijah for our family and that God has a strong calling on Elijah’s life. Elijah, just like Landon, has a purpose and calling toward God’s kingdom that I’m excited to watch unfold. I’m looking forward to what else my second-born son and my God have to teach me this year and how I will grow in the freedom of Christ as a result of it. Gender disappointment and PPD are some of the serious emotional and hormonal effects of pregnancy that we not only need to pursue more education around, but also more awareness that leads to understanding. Had I not realized that my feelings were not in line with the word of God and the outcome I ultimately hoped for, I would not have been able seek healing and betterment that ultimately led me to a beautiful relationship with my new son.
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