How to Feel with Animal Loss on the Homestead ⋆ Golden Circle Homestead

My heart hurts and my spirit is burdened with sadness.

When we began our homestead and we invited living animals onto our farm to meet our needs, we knew these animals weren’t pets. They were livestock and with that there was not only an expectation that they would provide us nourishment and sustenance in some way, but they also were on a lower tier that made them more susceptible to physical hardships like weather, illness, and predators or their main purpose was to give their life to sustain our own. But somewhere along the way, as it most always does, these animals wedge their way into your heart and burrow down into a deep, soft spot. Most of these animals you’ve raised, cared for, and provided for since they were born. It’s near impossible not to find your heartstrings attached. Even though animal loss on a homestead is inevitable, when you lose an animal, it doesn’t matter what kind, it is always hard and it still hurts.

We experienced our first animal loss with a Rhode Island Red chick that didn’t make it. Following that, one of our little white roosters drowned in the kiddy swimming pool, we butchered the other two roosters that were in our unsexed chick brood, put a white rock hen down due to Merick’s disease, and another white rock hen wandered off and never came back. We slaughtered and butchered two pigs for meat. All of this death … and nature … within the last year – our first year – of homesteading.

Animal Loss is Inevitable

Loss and death are inevitable. They are a part of life and it’s not a question of if, but when. Death is a great teacher though. With the chick, I learned that nature runs its course and sometimes death just happens. Having that open awareness, helps you anticipate the greater likelihood of death emotionally and also helps you plan numbers for animals that have a greater susceptibility for death as newborns.

Closure is Not Guaranteed

With our wanderer, I learned sometimes things are removed from your life and you don’t receive closure. And that’s really, really hard. Death is inevitable, but closure is not guaranteed. We don’t always know what happens or why. This is when we have to prepare our hearts and trust in the process of grieving and eventually letting go and moving on when our hearts are in a healthy place to do so.

Prevent Animal Loss by Understanding Their Needs

With our little white rooster, I learned to put a rock in the pool to give them something to stand on so they don’t drown and can get out if they fall in. For our white rock with Merick’s disease, I learned sometimes you have to make tough choices that are for the great or good of the group. Understanding their needs and susceptibilities can help you better offset the likelihood of loss. Even though we lost the one white rock to Merick’s disease, we saved the rest of our flock.

Animals Serve a Purpose

Animals serve a purpose (that’s also not to say we don’t return similar benefits as humans in response). Sometimes that purpose is to give love and comfort or in other circumstances it’s purely sustenance. When it comes to the latter there are two lessons that are essential. With the two roosters we butchered, I learned how to have a tough skin and be thankful for the life animals provide for me to have nourishment. And with our pigs, I learned how to take responsibility for the life of the animals I’ve invested in. When animals give so we can live, it is our responsibility to provide them with the best life we can and the most ethical death we can.

Nature is Cruel

The hardest lesson I’ve learned this year is that sometimes life and nature are cruel. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much we try … life hasn’t taught us the lesson we need to learn yet to prevent the tragedy. The tragedy is how we learn the lesson. I’m heartbroken that this lesson was at the cost of an animal that I had such a strong attachment to and it was at the hands of another living being that had no reserve.

I had planned on getting two magpie ducks last year, but couldn’t find a breeder that had any available locally. Jonathan convinced me to get two pekin ducklings instead. It didn’t take much convincing because they were so cute! They were a lot more work than the chicks to raise though and a lot messier. But one of the ducks was more friendly and social than the other, bonding closer to me. Once they matured enough to tell their gender, we realized we had a female and a drake. I named them Rosella and Edgar (after the King’s Quest characters). Edgar and I became fast buds. He’d follow me around the yard, run up to me as soon as I came outside, nip at my feet and arms until I picked him up and carried him around. He was aggressively affectionate. I’d sing song his name Eddie-gur-gur. He had fun chasing Gatsby around the yard and quacking at him. He was Rosella’s partner. We had no real use for a drake, but we liked his personality and wanted to keep him around. Though he lived outside with our other birds, his only purpose was to bring us joy. He became a pet to us.

I went outside to close up the coop last night and Rosella was there all by herself, quacking loudly. All the hens were safe and sound, but Edgar was nowhere to be found. Rosella is always by Edgar’s side and there’s no way she would have been in the coop by herself without him. My mind jumped to the worst conclusion, rightfully so in this case. I’m burdened to say a raccoon trespassed and left behind only a pile of blood and some feathers of Edgar. This experience has made me feel like I have no right to own living creatures that could meet such an unfair, unjust demise. I feel like a horrible bird mom, but maybe only truly horrible if I neglect to learn the lesson and therefore put the loss of another’s life in vain. In almost every situation, I can look back and say I could have made adjustments to protect that animal better or give them a better life and next time I will because now I know.

While we have a responsibility to care for the animal kingdom, animals are provisional in nature to meet our needs as part of the food chain. It’s the circle of life. How mad can I truly be at the raccoon for meeting his need of hunger, when we oftentimes only do the same? There’s a give and take, a balance, a respect, and a genuine gratitude for the process and relationship animals and humans have. This is why animal loss on any level is hard.

We honor and show gratitude to God for the animals who served us, provided nourishment for our bodies, and brought us joy over the last year – those who are no longer with us and those who still bless us with their presence.

Thank you, Edgar. We will miss you.